幽默英文：帅也白搭，还不是要被卒子吃掉pdf/txt下载_在线阅读全文

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本书将名人搞笑、网络爆料、古今笑话、中外趣谈、经典幽默一锅端，版本全面升级，具备职场的润滑剂，交际圈的双面胶，自嘲的台阶等等功能，欢迎火爆试用！
双语幽默为正在学习英语和喜爱英文读物的读者提供了学习和阅读的素材，选文精良，全方位发掘笑点，在娱乐中就能提高口语，将玩与学完美结合起来。

内容简介

*劲爆的英文幽默集萃，它提供*贴心的服务，能随时带给你快乐，它是*好的药，能治愈忧郁；它是*多情的伴侣，能让你感受不到寂寞。
能讲笑话的人，都是智慧之人。会听笑话的人，都是快乐的人。时不时地幽默一下，人生增加了许多谐趣。本书为渴望拥有阳光心情者选取当下*流行的搞笑幽默短篇，涉及名人对话、人生感悟、青春爱情、职场江湖和创意思维等等方面，坚持*有趣，*有启发，*经典原则，让人笑不完乐不够。
本书双语幽默还能让你在旅行、小憩、度假时掌握更多劲爆笑料，是朋友间*好的料理，是职场上润滑的良剂。

作者简介

高雅哲，《时文选粹》《智慧背囊》《精美散文诗》《预见力》等书主编，作品涉及时尚生活、成功励志及健康领域。

目　　录

第一章　动物也疯狂
1 So Fast 太快了 2
2 The Clever Dog 聪明的狗 2
3 Three Dollars 三元 3
4 The Parrot 鹦鹉 4
5 Three Mice 三只老鼠 4
6 A Drunken Cab 喝醉的螃蟹 5
7 Dog Property Rules 狗的财产规则 6
8 What Did the Chicken Do 那只鸡犯了什么错 7
9 Get the Umbrella 小乌龟取伞 8
10 Bat‐infestation Problems 蝙蝠困扰问题 9
11 Elephant VS Ants Soccer Game 大象对蚂蚁的足球赛 10
12 Ambitious Dog Mother 望子成龙的狗妈妈 11
13 I Am Called the Blister 我叫水泡 12

第一章　动物也疯狂 
1 So Fast 太快了 2 
2 The Clever Dog 聪明的狗 2 
3 Three Dollars 三元 3 
4 The Parrot 鹦鹉 4 
5 Three Mice 三只老鼠 4 
6 A Drunken Cab 喝醉的螃蟹 5 
7 Dog Property Rules 狗的财产规则 6 
8 What Did the Chicken Do 那只鸡犯了什么错 7 
9 Get the Umbrella 小乌龟取伞 8 
10 Bat‐infestation Problems 蝙蝠困扰问题 9 
11 Elephant VS Ants Soccer Game 大象对蚂蚁的足球赛 10 
12 Ambitious Dog Mother 望子成龙的狗妈妈 11 
13 I Am Called the Blister 我叫水泡 12 
14 The Story of the Bats 蝙蝠的故事 13 
15 A Fine Match 势均力敌 15 
16 A Duck in a Convenience Store 便利店里的鸭子 16 
17 You Know That 你知道我要说什么 17 
18 Cat and Mouse 猫和老鼠 18 
19 Who Is It 谁呀 20 
20 The Centipede Puts on Its Shoes 蜈蚣穿鞋 22 
 
第二章　神级回复 
1 So Dirty 如此脏 26 
2 Fortune 财产 26 
3 Just Her Choice Give Me a Surprise 让人吃惊的选择 27 
4 No Worries 不用担心 27 
5 The Banker and the Artist 银行家和画家 28 
6 Make Way for a Fool 给傻瓜让路 28 
7 Novels 作品 29 
8 Use My Phone 用我的电话 30 
9 Pancakes and Pizza 煎饼和比萨 30 
10 Pull Over 停车 31 
11 How Much Is Two plus Two 2加2等于多少 32 
12 I Can’t Afford Them 我买不起 32 
13 I’ll See to the Rest 剩下的我来做 33 
14 Fake Money 假钱 34 
15 A Rule 规矩 35 
16 On The Beach 沙滩上的对话 35 
17 You Must Be an Expert 你一定是一位专家 36 
18 Bicycle 自行车 37 
19 Hogarth 霍迦斯 38 
20 A Wise Man’s Advice 金玉良言 39 
21 Ask for a Job with the Circus 马戏团的工作 40 
22 A Heavy Sleeper 瞌睡者 41 
23 Room 房间 42 
24 I Am Not Stupid 我又不傻 44 
25 One Way Street Wilson 我行我素的威尔逊 45 
26 The Wise Manager 聪明的经理 46 
27 It’s an Extra 另行收费 47 
28 The Closest Answer 最接近正确答案 48 
 
第三章 思维短路 
1 Time 时间 52 
2 Bigamy 重婚 52 
3 Looking All Over for It 正在到处找它 52 
4 Thanks to the Bookbinder 多亏装订工人 53 
5 Let Them Go 让他们滚 53 
6 How Do They Get Along？ 它们怎么相处的？ 54 
7 Shirt 衬衣 54 
8 Accident 事故 55 
9 The Conductor 售票员 55 
10 You Have to Bring It Back 你得把它开回来 56 
11 Dog Food 狗粮 57 
12 Where Are You Now？ 你现在在哪里？ 57 
13 A So‐called Pigeon Expert 养鸽专家 58 
14 Can You Tell Me Where We Are 您可以告诉我这是什么地方吗 59 
15 Jump Twice 跳两次 60 
16 Corruption Trial 受贿案件 61 
17 The Cat’s Doubt 猫的疑惑 62 
18 In Your Left Arm 打在你左臂上 63 
19 Imperturbably 面不改色 64 
20 All Day 一整天 65 
21 Then Where Is My Cat？ 那我的猫去哪里了？ 66 
22 Don’t Forget to look to the Right 别忘了向右看 67 
23 Small Frying‐pan 煎锅太小 68 
24 The World Is Going to End 世界末日 69 
25 The Gas Men 煤气工人 71 
26 Dead Men Do Bleed 死人会流血 72 
27 A Blind Man Visits the State of Texas 参观德克萨斯的盲人 73 
28 The Scientist and the Farmer 科学家和农夫 75 
29 Learn to Fly 学习飞行 76 
30 Bad Heart 心脏不好 78 
 
第四章　亲子碎碎念 
1 Homework 家庭作业 82 
2 Waste or Save 浪费还是节约 82 
3 Goldfish 金鱼 83 
4 So Downcast 如此沮丧 83 
5 A Birthday Present 生日礼物 84 
6 The Lucky Cat 幸运猫 84 
7 A Good Example 一个好例子 85 
8 My Car Is Under 18 车未满18岁 85 
9 Bring the Hole in the House 把坑带到屋里来 86 
10 Birthday Present 生日礼物 86 
11 Regret 后悔 87 
12 A Slower Group 慢班 88 
13 I Can Not See It At All 我根本就看不见 88 
14 To Open the Door 开门 89 
15 Pretend 伪装 90 
16 A Trip to Disney 迪斯尼之旅 90 
17 Imitation 模仿 91 
18 Keep the Change 不用找了 92 
19 At the Same Age 在相同的年纪时 92 
20 Church Manners 教堂礼貌 93 
21 Confusion 思维混乱 94 
22 I’m Going to Use It Later 我还要用 95 
23 It’s His Fault 是他的错 96 
24 Baby Bird 雏鸟 97 
25 God’s Scrabble Game 上帝的拼字游戏 98 
26 The Stories Are Still in Them 故事都在里面 99 
27 Where 's My Booger 我的鼻涕呢 100 
28 Leaving the Bad Ones 留下坏的 101 
29 Son Wears Father’s Clothes 子穿父装 102 
30 A Useful Lesson 有用的经验 103 
31 He Walks Everywhere He Goes 耶稣从不开车 104 
32 One Place Ahead 前进一名 106 
33 Follow One’s Father 效仿老爸 107 
34 Violin Lessons 小提琴课 109 
 
第五章　巧言圆场 
1 Done Anything 什么也没干 114 
2 Not Bad 不错 114 
3 Is It a Good Way 是好办法吗 115 
4 Why Men Go First 为什么男人先走 115 
5 Just Great 进展不错 116 
6 A Witty Retort 聪明的反击 116 
7 Boxing and Running 拳击和逃跑 117 
8 No Sense in Putting a Roof on an Empty Barn 空谷仓上不必盖屋顶 117 
9 My Violin Never Drinks Tea 我的提琴从不喝茶 118 
10 Which End of Fork 哪一头 119 
11 Tell a False 说假话 119 
12 The Power of Your Picture 照片的力量 120 
13 Lady and Gentleman 女士和绅士 121 
14 Good Morning，Garden Cemetery 早上好，这里是花园墓地 121 
15 It’s Rather Personal 这太私人了 122 
16 Front and Back 正面背面 123 
17 How Rich You Are 你们真有钱 123 
18 The Only Instance 唯一一次 124 
19 A Few Tips 小贴士 125 
20 The General Theory of Relativity 爱因斯坦的相对论 126 
21 No Need to See a Doctor 不必看医生 126 
22 Making up Stories 虚构的故事 127 
23 The Difference Between Man and Woman 男女有别 128 
24 Big Game Mishap 捕猎中的意外 129 
25 So Easy 太简单 130 
26 Sometimes 有时 132 
27 Lady and Elephant 女士和大象 133 
28 Put Your Tongue Out Again 再伸一下舌头 134 
 
第六章　出人意料 
1 One or Two 一还是二 138 
2 Absence 缺考 138 
3 Otherwise 否则 139 
4 Blend Coffee 调制咖啡 139 
5 Waiting 等待 140 
6 Is It Helped You 这对你有帮助吗 140 
7 Sixteen 十六 141 
8 Good Thing He Has You 有你教他真好 141 
9 Bedtime Prayers 睡前祷告 142 
10 Aunt Hattie 海蒂姑妈 143 
11 Three Dogs 三只狗 143 
12 Homework 作业 144 
13 That Was a Hard Pull 爬山真费劲 145 
14 The Dog Doesn’t Know 狗不知道 145 
15 Looking for the Perfect 追寻完美 146 
16 Hunt 打猎 147 
17 Installing a Carpet 铺地毯 148 
18 I’m an Undertaker 我是殡仪馆的 149 
19 Hair Cut 理发 150 
20 Mafia’s Kid 黑手党的孩子 151 
21 Looking for My Husband 找丈夫 152 
22 Pistol 手枪 153 
23 One Less Lawyer 又少一个律师 154 
24 Poor Eyesight 视力很差 155 
25 The Reason Behind It 原来如此 157 
26 Guess the Present 猜礼物 158 
27 I’m George 我是乔治 160 
 
第七章　嘲弄VS自嘲 
1 Millionaire 百万富翁 164 
2 Bulb 灯泡 164 
3 Half Price 半价 165 
4 Car Repairing 修车 165 
5 Former Wife 前妻 165 
6 Who Are Crooks 谁是骗子 166 
7 That Was an Echo 那是回声 166 
8 Honest 诚实 167 
9 My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow 反正我太太明天会来换的 168 
10 The Same Thing 同样的事 168 
11 You Have My Shopping Cart 你用了我的购物车 169 
12 It’s Short of ＄700 少了七百美元 170 
13 They Are Busy 他们很忙 170 
14 Too Late 太晚了 172 
15 Doctor’s Advice 医生的建议 172 
16 Nonconformist 另类分子 173 
17 But the Teacher Cried 可是老师哭了 174 
18 Special Enclosure 特殊围栏 175 
19 Lace 蕾丝 176 
20 So Optimistic 如此乐观 177 
21 Get Off 马上离开 178 
22 A Pair of Slacks 裤子 180 
23 I Haven’t Got a Penny 身无分文 181 
24 They Are Still Damp! 床单还潮着哩! 182 
25 Drunk and Arthritis 醉鬼与关节炎 183 
26 Encore 再来一遍 185 
27 Which One to Marry 娶哪一位 186 
28 Ten Dollars 十美元 187 
29 A Little Old Lady 小老太太 189 
30 Stages of Being Drunk 喝醉的五个阶段 191 
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在线试读部分章节

第一章　动物也疯狂
1 So Fast
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle.
Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
“I really can’t remember. ”the snail replied,“You see, it all happened so fast. ”
太快了
一个蜗牛过马路，被一个乌龟从身上轧过。在急救室里它恢复了知觉，有人问它事故是怎样发生的。
“我真的记不起来了，”蜗牛回答说。“你瞧，一切发生得都太快了。”

2 The Clever Dog
A little boy was practicing his violin, while his father sat reading the newspaper.
The family dog began to howl along dismally. Finally, the father could endure the combination no more and said,“Can’t you play something the
dog doesn’t know？”
聪明的狗
一个小男孩在练习小提琴，他的父亲在读报纸。随着小男孩的琴声，家里养的狗也开始高一声低一声地叫起来。最后，小男孩的父亲实在忍不下去了，说：“难道你就不能拉一些狗听不懂的曲子吗？”

3 Three Dollars

第一章　动物也疯狂 
1 So Fast 
 When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. 
 Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. 
 “I really can’t remember. ”the snail replied,“You see, it all happened so fast. ” 
太快了 
 一个蜗牛过马路，被一个乌龟从身上轧过。在急救室里它恢复了知觉，有人问它事故 是怎样发生的。 
 “我真的记不起来了，”蜗牛回答说。“你瞧，一切发生得都太快了。” 
 
2 The Clever Dog 
 A little boy was practicing his violin, while his father sat reading the newspaper. 
 The family dog began to howl along dismally. Finally, the father could endure the combination no more and said,“Can’t you play something the 
dog doesn’t know？” 
聪明的狗 
一个小男孩在练习小提琴，他的父亲在读报纸。随着小男孩的琴声，家里养的狗也开始高一声低一声地叫起来。最后，小男孩的父亲实在忍不下去了，说：“难道你就不能拉一些狗听不懂的曲子吗？” 
 
3 Three Dollars 
 A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a newspaper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog trotted off, but an hour later, he had still not returned with the paper. 
 “How much did you give him？ ”asked the owner. 
 “Three dollars.” 
 “Well, that explains it. When you give him three dollars, he goes to a movie.” 
三元 
 一位养狗人声称，要是给他的爱犬一些钱，它便会到卖报亭买份报纸来。他的朋友坚 持要来个演示，并给了狗一些钱。狗一溜小跑着去了。但一个小时过去了，仍不见它带报 纸回来。 
 “你给了它多少钱？”狗的主人问。 
 “三元。” 
 “这就是了。你给它三元钱时，它就会去看电影。” 
 
 
4 The Parrot 
 A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. 
 “We have three.”says the clerk,“This blue one speaks four languages and costs $100, and the red parrot knows six languages and costs $200. The orange one over there costs $300, but doesn’t talk at all.” 
 “Three thousand!”exclaims the man,“How come so much？” 
 “Well, ”the clerk goes on,“we don’t know what he does, but the other two call him‘boss’. ” 
鹦鹉 
 一个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。 
 “我们有三只。”店员说，“这只蓝色的会说四种语言，价值100美元；这只红色的 懂六种语言，价值200美元；那只橙色的价值300美元，但什么话也不说。” 
 “300元！”那人大声叫道，“怎么这么贵？” 
 “噢，”店员接着说道，“我们也不知道为什么，但另两只鹦鹉都叫它‘老板’。” 
 
5 Three Mice 
 Three mice walked into a pub. The first mouse bragged,“When 
 I see a mousetrap, I set it off, and when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench‐press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese. ” 
 The second mouse bragged,“Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength. ” 
 The third mouse said,“Can’t stay long. I’ve got a date with a cat. ” 
三只老鼠 
 三只老鼠走进了一家酒店。第一只老鼠吹嘘说：“我看到捕老鼠器时，就把它弄开。 当铁栅栏落下时，我就用牙咬住它，上下推举20次，以此来激发我的食欲，然后带着奶酪 溜之大吉。” 
 第二只老鼠夸口说：“我看见鼠药时，就把它嚼成碎末，然后加进我的咖啡，以此来 增加我的力量。” 
 第三只老鼠说：“我不能久留。我和一只猫还有个约会呢。” 
 
6 A Drunken Cab 
 A male crab asked a female crab to marry him.She noticed that he 
was walking straight instead of sideways.“Wow, ”she thought,“this 
crab is really special. I can’t let him get away.”So they got married 
immediately. 
 The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened？”she asked,“You used to walk straight before we married.” 
 “Oh, honey, ”he replied,“I can’t drink that much every day.” 
喝醉的螃蟹 
 一只公螃蟹向一只母螃蟹求婚。母螃蟹注意到，这只公螃蟹走路直着走，而不是横着 爬。“哇！”她心想，“这只螃蟹可真特别。我绝不能错过他。”于是他们立马结婚了。 
第二天，母螃蟹发现她的新婚老公竟然横着爬，与其他螃蟹没有什么两样，她很是沮丧。 “怎么回事？”她问道，“我们结婚前你是直着走路的。” 
 “哦，亲爱的，”公螃蟹回答道，“我总不能每天都喝高吧。” 
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幽默英文：帅也白搭，还不是要被卒子吃掉下载

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