WHEN KATIE WAKES(ISBN=9780345444547)pdf/txt下载_在线阅读全文

内容简介

　　Connie May Fowler is known to the world as the author of bestselling novels and powerful essays—but no one knew that for years she was the victim of brutal abuse and relentless humiliation. Now in this harrowing, spellbinding memoir, Fowler finally tells her own story.
　　The daughter and grand-daughter of battered women, Fowler found herself irresistibly drawn to a man who was bent on destroying her, physically and emotionally. Despite her youth, spirit, education, and wonderful talent, she was trapped in a cycle of violence and despair with no way out. Until the day she adopted an incredible puppy she named Kateland.
　　With stunning candor, Connie May Fowler reveals how the unconditional love and loyalty of this dog helped her turn the corner, find a safe place, and reclaim her own life. A work of extraordinary passion and courage, When Katie Wakes holds out hope and inspiration to anyone who has ever dreamed of starting over.

作者简介

　　CONNIE MAY FOWLER is an essayist, screenwriter, and novelist. Her previous books include Sugar Cage, River of Hidden Dreams, and most recently, Remembering Blue. Her 1996 novel, Before Women Had Wings, won the Southern Book Critics Circle Award and was made into a successful "Oprah Winfrey Presents" TV movie. Remembering Blue won the Chautauqua South Award for Fiction. She and her husband are cofounders of the Connie May Fowler Women with Wings Foundation, a nonprofit organization dedicated to aiding women and children in need. She lives in Florida.
　　From the Hardcover edition.

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　　She is hiding under a blue tarpaulin. Her siblings, all tanand brown, run and hop, nipping at each other, uncaring whether Ichoose them or not. They have a good life. They live outside andhave sticks to play with. If it rains, they seek shelter under thehouse. Shade is there, too. And so is Mama. Mama with all thatmilk. But she's drying up, and these long-boned, orange-groveCrackers know it. In fact, she doesn't look very healthy atall.
　　Skin and bones and skin and bones. Where do you run to whenyou're nothing but skin and bones!
　　"The paper said you had black Lab puppies."
　　He points at the tarpaulin. "She's over there."
　　I look at the lone black pup and then back at the Cracker withhis sky-colored eyes and sunburned face. Two barefoot boys, maybethree and five, chase the pups and giggle wildly each time theybait one into a game of tug.
　　"Their daddy is a Lab. That there is the mama. She's a shepherd.We only got one black one."
　　He smiles, as if her rarity in this litter makes her extraspecial, and I wonder two things. In the classified ad, why didthey credit only the father's bloodline? Especially since five ofthe six puppies bear no resemblance to their Labrador side. And whyisn't the black puppy playing with her siblings? Is she sick? Hurt?An outcast based on color? Size? Temperament?
　　"Hey, sweetie," I say to her from across the yard.
　　I approach slowly and kneel beside her. "How are you, littlebit?" I ask, trying to make my voice comforting, as though a gentlenature is something all humans possess.
　　A star-shaped patch of white gleams on her chest. Other thanthat, she is tip-to-toe black. I offer her my hand. She looks at mewarily and then averts her gaze. I take her into my arms. At mytouch, she tenses. I understand from both the cautious posture ofher eyes and the rigid trembling of her body that this dog, justweeks old, knows about mistreatment. She begins to whimper. Low,baleful, constant.
　　"It's okay, baby, yes, everything is gonna be all right."

She is hiding under a blue tarpaulin. Her siblings, all tan
and brown, run and hop, nipping at each other, uncaring whether I
choose them or not. They have a good life. They live outside and
have sticks to play with. If it rains, they seek shelter under the
house. Shade is there, too. And so is Mama. Mama with all that
milk. But she's drying up, and these long-boned, orange-grove
Crackers know it. In fact, she doesn't look very healthy at
all. 
　　Skin and bones and skin and bones. Where do you run to when
you're nothing but skin and bones! 
　　"The paper said you had black Lab puppies." 
　　He points at the tarpaulin. "She's over there." 
　　I look at the lone black pup and then back at the Cracker with
his sky-colored eyes and sunburned face. Two barefoot boys, maybe
three and five, chase the pups and giggle wildly each time they
bait one into a game of tug. 
　　"Their daddy is a Lab. That there is the mama. She's a shepherd.
We only got one black one." 
　　He smiles, as if her rarity in this litter makes her extra
special, and I wonder two things. In the classified ad, why did
they credit only the father's bloodline? Especially since five of
the six puppies bear no resemblance to their Labrador side. And why
isn't the black puppy playing with her siblings? Is she sick? Hurt?
An outcast based on color? Size? Temperament? 
　　"Hey, sweetie," I say to her from across the yard. 
　　I approach slowly and kneel beside her. "How are you, little
bit?" I ask, trying to make my voice comforting, as though a gentle
nature is something all humans possess. 
　　A star-shaped patch of white gleams on her chest. Other than
that, she is tip-to-toe black. I offer her my hand. She looks at me
warily and then averts her gaze. I take her into my arms. At my
touch, she tenses. I understand from both the cautious posture of
her eyes and the rigid trembling of her body that this dog, just
weeks old, knows about mistreatment. She begins to whimper. Low,
baleful, constant. 
　　"It's okay, baby, yes, everything is gonna be all right." 
　　I hear the Cracker say, "Looks like a keeper to me!" and he
laughs loudly. It's a laugh made fat with good-ol'-boy
intentions. 
　　"Has she seen a vet?" I can see from her distended belly that
she's wormy. 
　　"Nah. I thought I'd leave that up to whoever is lucky enough to
take her home. Besides, seeings how we ain't got room for no more
dogs, we're probably just gonna croakersack whichever ones are left
past this weekend. Back in the creek, you know." He nods toward a
slow-moving rivulet of brown water that flows at the edge of a
cane-break, sucks his teeth, and then yells toward the house,
"Gracie, get me a beer." He looks at me. Slow. Up and down. "You
want one?" 
　　I shake my head no, flushed with rage, unable to match his
blatant gaze. I feel his violence. It is palpable in each tremor of
this puppy's underfed body. 
　　"She's mine. I'm going to take her," I hear myself say as I ferry
the dog to the car. 
　　The older of the two boys is stomping, yelling, "Bye-bye!" The
pups are scattering out of his path. His brother snags one by the
scruff and carries it through the dirt as if it's a rag doll. 
　　The Cracker yells, "You sure you want only one?" 
　　Gracie steps onto the porch. She is as thin as the shepherd dog.
I don't know if she's the Cracker's daughter or wife. He takes the
beer from her and slaps her fanny. She slumps on the porch steps,
arms folded in front of her, and stares at the dirt. 
　　I am unbelievably grateful when the engine, after three
sputtering tries, finally cranks. 
　　My new dog is curled on the seat beside me, a tiny black
curlicue, frightened and not understanding. As we travel out of the
grove--even as my car shakes violently, banging along on its nearly
nonexistent ball joints--I tell her, over and over, my hand
stroking the bony ridge of her back, "I'm gonna take good care of
you." 
　　I name her Kateland, after Caitlin Costello Price in the movie
The Verdict. I identify with Caitlin. She's long-suffering, and
even though it takes forever, she finally does the right thing and
testifies. 
　　When I tell the receptionist at the vet's office how to spell
Katie's name, I don't intentionally mess it up. But once I realize
my error, I feel no compulsion to fix it. Katie doesn't care how
her name is spelled. 
　　She is a kind dog. She sleeps with me, on my side of the bed,
right up against my belly. Every night before dozing off, she licks
my hand. When the lights are out, I cannot see her. But I cling to
her. And I think, she to me. 
　　You pick her up by her scruff and inspect her as if you are an
animal know-it-all. 
　　"Don't handle her like that," I say. 
　　You measure your words evenly, as if speaking to a child who is
hopelessly dense. "That's the way it's done." 
　　"No, it's not." 
　　"Jesus, Connie, my father was a vet. I know what I'm
doing." 
　　You set her down and then try to force open her jaws. She squirms
out of your grip. Quickly, I pick her up and hold her to my chest.
She"s trembling as much as on the day I brought her home. 
　　You look over my head and say--that old arrogance shining
through--"l'll have her trained in no time." 
　　"I mean it, leave her alone." 
　　And in my mind I'm saying, You motherfucker. You
motherfucker. 
　　You look at me with a bored, superior gaze and, for the first
time in months, I stare right back, certain that if you hurt this
dog I will kill you. 
　　I am fixing supper. Katie lies on the floor, ever-watchful for
any morsel I might toss her way. I spice the ground beef (I have
given up my vegetarian ways, living with you). Salt, pepper, garlic
powder, Worcestershire, and finely chopped onions. I mix it
together with my bare hands, the raw meat cold and bloody against
my skin. 
　　You have been missing in action since about three yesterday
afternoon. Still, here I am, preparing an evening meal, as if this
domestic ritual will set my world straight. I have fantasies, like
maybe you've been killed in a car crash, and I don't know whether
to be upset or joyous. Each time a car slows in front of the
apartment I peer out the window, hoping against all odds that it is
you returning home. 
　　Maybe I'll call the sheriff. Maybe I'll say, "Are there any
accident reports involving a slick silver Audi driven by a
drunk?" 
　　Why should I fear being abandoned by you? I should hope and pray
that you're gone for good. I slap the meat into patties and try to
remember how long my mama has been dead. Two, three years? I can't
recall. Same with Daddy. People ask, "How old were you when he
died?" and I shrug my shoulders. 
　　"I'm not sure. Little." 
　　And they look at me as if I were a loon for not pinning down how
old he was, how old I was, how old Mama was. 
　　Maybe I can't remember because the numbers frighten me. They are
cold, unchangeable. The opposite, I hope, of life. 
　　Here's a memory to choke on: 
　　"I'm little. How many years I am slips around me. Sometimes I
grab it tight, sometimes it skitters away. Five? Five and a half?
Maybe even six. One, two, three, four, five, six. I can count that
far! Even to ten but I don't feel like it. Oh well, doesn't matter,
I'll figure everything out later, on my fingers. 
　　I have on a decent outfit--a new shorts set my mama sewed for me.
It's blue with tiny yellow rocket ships zooming between all white
stars. Mama can sew good, except she makes me thread her needles
--cause she says she's blind as a bat. 
　　I've got my doll with me. She's sitting beside me in the back
seat of the Rambler. A little smile on her face. She's perfect. I
like her white underwear. 
　　Mama is driving and smoking and cussing Daddy. Deedee is riding
shotgun. That's what Mama calls it. She ain't got no gun, though.
She's just helping Mama find Daddy's car. She's a big priss,
sitting up front, peering out her window, acting like she's better
than me just 'cause Mama told her that one day she'd let her shave
her legs. 
　　My doll has good legs. If she were real, she'd end up marrying a
leg man. I stretch mine out. They're freckled from the sun. My toes
ain't got no paint on 'em, either. When I get big, I probably won't
be attracting no leg men. But how about-- 
　　"Constance Anita May, get your goddamned feet off the back of my
seat before I smack you!" 
　　I do as I'm told, but I'm not happy about it. Mama is a meanie. I
hate her! I pick up my doll and whisper right in her face, "I
weren't hurting nobody." 
　　Mama slows the car and I stretch my neck to see out the window.
There's a pretty sign up there. Words written in diamonds. 
　　"There it is!" Deedee says as if she's just won a treasure
hunt. 
　　"Bingo!" Mama stops right in front of the bar, but she keeps the
car running. "Connie, go in there and get that son-of-a-bitch
father of yours." 
　　I don't want to go. I don't like the way those drinkers look at
me. They cuss a lot. Bars stink and floozies live there. Mama said
so. 
　　Mama turns around, her hand raised, her green eyes shifting back
and forth--a sure sign she's about to blow. "What did I just tell
you!" 
　　I leave my doll in the car. She'll probably thank me for it
later. 
　　There ain't no ladies in here. Just men, drinking, laughing,
playing pool. And a lot of smoking. I stand right inside the door.
I don't move. I just look around. With my eyes. Nobody has seen me.
Maybe I'm invisible. I like that jukebox over there. It's lit up.
Yellow. Red. Green. I gotta pee. Bad. I don't know where my daddy
is. Maybe that weren't his car. Maybe Mama was wrong. 
　　I look with just my eyes one more time. Pool games. Tables. That
back room through all this smoke. Maybe this is Hell, right here
where I'm standing. Mama says her grandma believed in Hell on
earth. The bar. It's crowded. Maybe he's down on the end and that's
why I don't see him. 
　　"Henry!" 
　　That's my daddy's name! The bartender with his belly floating
like a balloon above his pants. He said it. 
　　My daddy swings around on his barstool. "Hey, sunshine!" He's
grinning like a jack-o'-lantern. No wonder I couldn't see him. His
back was to me. "Come here. Don't be scared. Nobody's gonna
bite." 
　　I inch on over to him. I know about inchworms. They're
everywhere. Sometimes I let them crawl through my arm hairs. Daddy
seems real happy to see me. He lifts me onto his lap and introduces
me to his buddies. 
　　"This is my baby girl. Ain't she the pertiest thing you ever did
see!" 
　　They all say yep and the bartender reaches over with his
ham-sized paw and shakes my hair. I press my face against Daddy's
shirt. It smells like starch and sweat. Mama's gonna claim that's
the stink of women and liquor. 
　　"What do you want?" Daddy asks. "Cherry Coke? Pickled egg? How
about a Slim Jim, sunshine?" 
　　I shake my head no. I try to make him understand. I do my serious
face, the I-mean-business face. "Mama's waiting out in the
car." 
　　"She is!" Daddy seems real surprised. Does he think I walked
here? "Well, what's she doing out there?" He tosses some paper
money on the bar. "Let's go get her. Later, boys," he says. 
　　I'm too big to be carried, but Daddy don't pay that any mind. To
tell the truth, I kinda like it. Maybe these bar fellas think I'm
some paralyzed child--all weak and pale and pretty like my
doll--and Daddy's being the hero, walking us straight out of
Hell. 
　　From the Hardcover edition.

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